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By Homer Hirt
Strange things happen when you are a bachelor. I am not speaking of ladies proposing to you, although that does happen on occasion, regardless of your age or condition.
Nor am I trying to explain away the ideas that most folks have about your everyday life… a life supposedly filled with sports cars and sailboats and dining out in classy restaurants and maintaining a snake ranch.
Keeping a snake ranch has a mystique all of its own, a mystique of disorder: unkempt rooms, unmade beds and windows that no one can see through…… and toilet seats that are left up.
Married men look on with envy, thinking that you have a home theater with a giant screen that picks up at least four shows at once, and a sound system that rivals any at Disney World. The snake ranch is the precursor to today’s man cave, only without the wife mate looking over your shoulder.
This way of life brings on mysteries, also, but none match the strangeness of bringing rolls to Thanksgiving dinner.
A bachelor can usually count on an invitation, or maybe two, to the traditional feast. If he has a reputation for dating sexy young women and the invitation is to a family affair, then it is made clear that there will be only one seat at the “groaning board”, as Shakespeare called the festive table.
The other certainty is that, when the single man receives the verbal invitation (and it’s always verbal) and he asks what he can bring, it is always “W-e-l-l-l………I guess you could bring some rolls”.
The stud-at-large, whether young or old, wealthy or poverty stricken, of management or of working class, will always be told to bring rolls. He may be the president of a chain of first class restaurants, or, like me, responsible for the feeding of hundreds of hungry sailors three to four times a day, but the request will always be to “bring some rolls”.
This happened to me November last.
My daughter Meredith the Baseball Coach invited me to Thanksgiving dinner, to be held on or about one o’clock in the afternoon, and it was to be complete with turkey smoked in a grille that cost about the same as my first new car. There would be greens, casseroles, salads, and potatoes au gratin, mashed and otherwise tortured.
I suggested that I bring a nice cheese tray for snacking during the football games. You know… a wooden board with a special knife and a wedge of Brie’ nestled near a piece of Havarti and a smidgen of Gouda or Edam, with some grapes and proper wafers to complete the picture and tantalize the taste.
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But when I mentioned this, my daughter looked at me, startled, and said “W-e-l-l, I suppose you could bring some rolls”. Not “Say, Dad, cheese would be great, but you have such great taste in breads I think that your choice of rolls will really set the feast off”. No, it was “W-e-l-l, I suppose you could bring some rolls”.
So that was it.
My task was assigned, and an easy task it was. What could be so difficult about buying a few packs of rolls and delivering them in time for the repast?
The night before Thanksgiving I took a lovely lady out to dinner. The food was delicious. We both dined on pesci con gamberi and shared a loaf of bread……….BREAD? Did I say BREAD? I had forgotten the ROLLS! No problem… Winn Dixie, open all night, will certainly have some rolls left. I will pick them up on the way home and take them with me on the morrow.
Now, here’s the question that faced this bachelor: does anyone reading my column have an idea how many different kinds of rolls Winn Dixie has available?
I’ll tell you how many: nineteen! The rolls are in the frozen foods section and the specialty section and back in front of the bakery. They are made from whole wheat and other stuff. Here is the list:
Kaiser rolls and onion rolls, sub and steak and sesame rolls, all clustered together in the bread section. On down I found Sunbeam flake rolls, and Winn Dixie brown and serve, with some potato long rolls and various sandwich rolls, including honey wheat and whole wheat.
In the frozen foods section I had my choice of cinnamon rolls or crescent rolls, both of which I immediately crossed off my list because I would have to light off the oven, a truly rare event at my home. Nearby, in a display that benefits the name, were King’s Hawaiian, both round and square.
Then I moved over to the bakery corner, where the folks in neat little caps and aprons with flour on them stand watch. There I was shown fresh baked dinner rolls, hoagie rolls and a couple that are new to me… balillo and ciabatta… and Vienna rolls.
So there they were, and I made my choice, and exited with three bags of regular dinner rolls, ready to eat or, if ignored by the rest of the guests, to bring home for sandwiches.
Everyone praised the turkey and the sides, but nary a soul mentioned my rolls, so I sought my bachelor’s revenge.
I quietly departed through the side door with a pack of brown and serve rolls under each arm………but not until I placed the toilet seat in the upright position!
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