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By Homer Hirt
Not too long ago we had a true political season.
It began about six months before the General Election… just time enough for the major parties to hold a getdown with Red, White and Blue balloons and banners and horns and make speeches and hear from each state as the delegates nominated their “*Favorite* *Son*” and marched and sang and waved name signs. Then, after all the ballots were cast, state after state would change nominations, and there would be another ballot and, eventually, the Party would have a candidate. He would climb in a car or on the back of a train and tour around and kiss babies and smile and shake hands and promise highways and lower taxes and reply to all questions: “I’m glad you asked me that!”.
And then at the General Election all eligible voters, including those residing in graveyards, would make their marks on ballots and soon we would have a new president.
Now we have straw ballots in some states, and in others caucuses (or is the plural of “caucus” “cauci”?) and then primaries. Primaries are getting earlier and earlier. I predict that in another couple of election years from now the primaries will be conducted at Christmas time by Saint Nicholas and his elves with Rudolph as tie breaker, possibly at the same time that gifts are delivered to all of the homes both north and south of the Mason Dixon Line.
In Florida this is more complicated, not because of the two major parties, which pretty much have the process worked out, but by a long string of other parties, each armed with a name, and in some cases with confusing titles.
Not counting the Dems and the GOP, there are thirty two registered parties. That is today’s count. There may be more by daylight, but I will not take responsibility for them. Thirty two is quite a burden for a man my age, so any that come after those will belong to other folks, even Mark Twain, if he wishes to claim them.
I have no real problem with having thirty two minor political groups, but their names tend to get mixed up. “American” seems to be the odds- on favorite. Folks have registered American Party of Florida, American Patriot Party, American Reform Party of Florida, Americans Elect and America’s Independent Party of Florida. Americans Elect does not have “party” after it, but according to my inside informant they deserve the appellation, particularly on Saturday nights when the moon is full.
I was taught that we won our independence from Great Britain in a war that began in 1776, but there seems to be some backsliding. Registered in the State Elections Office you will find the British Reformed Sectarian Party. I suppose that they are all right, though, since they have “reformed” in their title, and should be trusted not to start things up again.
Tree huggers can be comfortable with the Ecology Party of Florida as long as they do not cross over to the Green Party of Florida, Inc.. Wait a minute! “Green Party” smacks of Saint Patrick’s Day and strangely-tinted beer.
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We still have a Prohibition Party, so if you wish to join you may have to take the Pledge. For you uninformed political folks, Florida once elected a Prohibition Party governor. His name was Sidney Catts, who was famous, among other accomplishments, for being turned down as a candidate by both major parties, being accepted by the Prohibition stalwarts, and then campaigning from a Model T Ford. James Messer, the Tallahassee Ford dealer, made him an offer: use a Model T and if he got elected, he would pay for it. If he lost the dealer would take it back… no harm no foul. My father, Homer, Sr. worked for him at the time, and had to go to the Governor’s office once a month and wait until he could get the car payment.
Each of us like to consider that we are independent when we make a political choice. Never fear: Florida lists Independence Party of Florida, Independent Democrats of Florida and Independent Party of Florida. But if you are truly independent, then how can you be a member of a party? If you announce as a member of a party, then are you really independent? Wait……my head is hurting….I think that I will take a short nap and maybe everything will be all right.
“Liberty” was a popular word as we fought England over two hundred years ago. It is more popular than ever in modern Florida, where we offer the choice of Libertarian Party of Florida or Progressive Libertarian Party or, if you have enough ink in your pen, you can write a letter to the Party for Socialism and Liberation-Florida and ask about their platform. But if you are truly “libertarian” then should you and your compatriots own up to even having a platform?
I am somewhat taken with the idea of the Possibility Party for those of us that are not quite certain where we stand and would like to be ambivalent, or you can select the Objectivist Party of Florida, and go into it with an open mind.
Those of us who have had enough of ersatz rations, including the famous “K” rations and even the MRE military meals, should look closely at the Real Food Party of the United States of America. I suppose I could say “Boy, that was a real mouthful”, but I won’t. I can’t stand to hear groans brought on by bad jokes.
When I wrote about Florida political parties about two years ago, I stated that if I ever left the Republicans you could find me in the Surfers Party of America, catching the curl and singing “Wish They Could All Be California Girls” with Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys.
I have changed my mind since then. I have dusted off one of my favorite candidates from my youth and I am ordering campaign pins and bumper stickers and they will read “I Go Pogo”.
After all he is my kind of candidate. Just think: The Possum Party of Florida! Now, that name really stands out! I really believe that I could support a candidate with a prehensile tail!
Lagniappe: “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
– Beverly Sills
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