Funerals are an inevitable part of life. But although they are part of a life well lived, that doesn’t mean they are easy to navigate with grace and poise.
It can be hard to know what to say when someone is depressed or know the right condolence messages to use to convey your sympathy and support. But even if you feel uncomfortable, it’s still important to go to the funeral to pay your respects.
Understanding funeral etiquette can mean the difference between the service going smoothly and guests inadvertently making it harder for the family. These tips can help you pay your respects and celebrate the life of the deceased.
It’s easy to stumble over your words when speaking to the grieving family or close friends. Although the conventional staple of funeral etiquette, “I’m sorry for your loss,” is handy to fall back on, that phrase often feels overused and insincere.
Amy Cunningham, a Brooklyn-based funeral director who runs Fitting Tribute Funeral Services, recommends asking the family to tell stories about their deceased loved one.
“Grieving people say that telling stories is comforting,” Cunningham says. “They can heal by remembering.” If you’re still at a loss for words, the simple acts of hugging and listening can go a long way.
“It doesn’t matter how close you are to the person; just your presence is important,” Cunningham says. This is only one of many ways to support someone who has lost a loved one.
A funeral doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. In fact, more and more people are accepting funerals as celebrations of life rather than somber affairs.
Although there are times to be solemn, “humor is a powerful thing,” Cunningham says. “Getting at the beauty of the deceased by telling a story that’s sweet or brings a smile or laugh is a lovely thing to do.”
Obviously, you’ll still want to be sensitive and aware of your boundaries, especially if you’re speaking during the service.
For good measure, run your story by a family member beforehand, as you would a wedding toast. These funeral poems could be a good place to start.
In the digital age, where emails and text messages reign, we often forget how far a simple handwritten note can go. “If you’re at a loss for words, finding a card that seems to say something that matches what you’re feeling is nice,” Cunningham says.
Add a personal touch by including a photograph, a memory or an anecdote about the deceased. But watch out for these things you should never say to a grieving spouse.
There is an intense amount of attention paid to the grieving family in the days immediately following the death, but most of it dwindles a few weeks after the funeral. Your support for the grieving family will be stronger if it is consistent.
“Small gestures over the calendar year indicate to the family that you haven’t forgotten about their loss,” Cunningham says. On the anniversary of the death, send a quick note saying that you are thinking of them and wishing them well.
Your authenticity and sincerity will surely be appreciated. If you aren’t sure what to say, try these loss quotes to express your feelings.
